What Does the Scripture Say About Blended Families
What Nearly Blended Families?
We've recently remarried after the failure of our first marriages? How tin we successfully alloy our two families into one?
Dear Roger,
Are you going to preach on what happens when your step-father brings his son home to live in your family unit?
Anonymous
I'thou non certain whether it was the trace of a tear downwards her cheek, or the soft repose voice of the nine-year-former child standing beside me. I had just preached on Biblical family unit relationships and was moving toward the side door to greet guests. Suddenly, ever and so softly, I heard her call "Pastor Roger". I looked downward to the little child continuing beside me. I bent low to hear her say, "Are you going to preach on what happens when your step-father brings his son home to live in your family?" There was hurting in her eyes.
"Has your step-male parent brought his son home to your house?" I asked.
She nodded.
"And it'due south not going very well, is it?"
She nodded.
The side by side Lord's day I preached about blended families. The term "blended family" is the label for the domicile that is putting 2 families together. Perhaps a more correct title would exist "blending families". Blending marriages is an ongoing process. The child standing beside me represented millions of Americans who've gone through the trauma of a broken family—and are now being blended into another ane.
Unfortunately, non all families piece of work out well. In Ephesians v and Genesis ii God outlined His program for successful marriages. We might summarize His model succinctly: "God'due south plan is for ane man and 1 adult female to get best friends and partners for a lifetime."
Robert Redford, the famous actor from days gone by, was asked what makes a great lover. He shocked all by not giving the expected macho man answer. He answered, "A nifty lover is a man who can satisfy one woman for her entire lifetime and she does the same for him. Love is not running around from adult female to woman. Any dog can exercise that!"
Blending families is hard merely not impossible. I know that the chore is hard because I tin can find not i successful bleeding of families in the Bible.
Abraham tried to blend Sarah and Isaac with Hagar and Ishmael and finally threw Hagar and Ishmael out of the business firm (Genesis 21).
Jacob tried to blend iv families with disastrous results (Genesis 29-38ff)
First wife Leah and her children Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, and Dinah;
2nd wife Rachael and her children Joseph and Benjamin;
Concubine Bilah and her children Dan and Naphtali;
Concubine Zilpah and her children Gad and Asher.
Jacob'south family was destroyed by jealousy, murder, rape, deceit, and favoritism.
David began with first wife Michael and married possibly as many every bit xx-eight more. His last wife was the infamous Bathsheba. There were numerous concubines in betwixt. At least ten sons are named in scripture. In addition he had "more sons and daughters born to him". Yous would not desire to live in the king's family unit. He was blending about 30 more families than he had time for. Among his children we read of murder, rape, rebellion, incest, hatred, bitterness and anger (2 Samuel 8-18; 1 Kings 1-two).
Solomon's proverbs incorporate many, many impassioned pleas to have only i wife! In fact at the finish of his life he advised us to "rejoice with the wife of our youth" (Saying v:18). He had 70 wives and 300 concubines. Looking dorsum, the multiple families he created were more problem than information technology was worth. In improver, He grew up in a blended family. He didn't desire anyone else to take to go through what he went through."
God and Solomon were on the same page when they both advised, "Make your first union work." One msn in our congregation said: "If I had just worked on my first union, I would not accept gotten divorced. I'm the aforementioned guy in the second marriage that I was in the first marriage. I gave upwards too hands."
Nevertheless, when all is said and washed, don't exist discouraged. Families can exist blended. I know quite a few who take done it successfully fifty-fifty though it doesn't come naturally–or hands. Everyone I know who succeeded bear witness that the struggles were worth it!
Past the way, the Old Attestation practice of marrying multiple wives is known today every bit bigamy and is against the Law. In America today, don't miss the fact that bigamy is widespread. We phone call it "serial polygamy"—we have several husbands or wives over a life time—just not at the same time.
I would like to share a wealth of information I have gathered over the years about successfully blending marriages. About of the practical advice I know came from the suggestions of Christian speaker, author, and advisor, Craig Massey—much of which is outlined beneath.
Composite families accept two extra stressors that God never intended. Starting time is someone else'due south ex. Second is someone else'due south child! Stress in blended families is not doubled. It goes up exponentially. Hither are another factors which can hinder successful blending.
1. Finances are often given to more 1 family.
2. The composite family is born of loss, failure, hurt, and grief. Everyone needs comforting.
3. Everyone in a blended family has a previous history with ingrained living patterns and already built-in value systems.
4. The parent/child bond predates the married couple. A parent and children from a first spousal relationship class a very tight arrangement. There'due south little time for the new couple to bond before they are thrown into the complex role of parent someone else's children.
5. The individuals ofttimes lack good conflict resolution skills.
6. Circuitous, informal alliances course which oftentimes exacerbate quite dysfunctional relationships.
If a step-family is going to fall autonomously, it unremarkably happens in the first 2 or three years. Newly married couples need the most help and back up immediately. Unfortunately most blended couples don't fell the demand until information technology is fashion too tardily.
Allow me share several suggestions that you may find helpful as you go about the work of successfully blending 2 families into ane.
1. Clarify expectations (Proverbs 3:13-xv). It is foolish to think that the blended family unit members will feel like, or relate to each other like a biological family. It can't exist done. Notwithstanding, it helps when the children can run across people decide to work together, beloved each other, and brainstorm to class new bonds.
two. Mourn the losses (2 Samuel 12:15-25). Everyone grieves the failure of their original family unit later on a divorce or expiry. Understanding, patience, wisdom, comfort and dear are essential for all.
3. Build a team ((Philippians 2:1-2). Aid everybody build new alliances, or friendships, while nonetheless maintaining their old ones. A unified team is guaranteed to make the best of a hard state of affairs.
4. Strengthen your marriage (Ephesians v:21-33). Since the weakest link in the blended family is the marriage relationship, invest deeply into the life of your new spouse. As well often the strain of raising children is too much for a remarried couple. I know of ane Christian stepmom said, "It was the children—non my married man—that I wanted to divorce".
5. Aid the children heal (Matthew 18:i-6). Unfortunately, studies reveal that the bulk of children whose parents divorce blame themselves for the pause ups: "I recall that I was born at the incorrect time for them, and I caused a lot of problems for them. If I hadn't been born when I was, I think they would still be together. I should have simply acted ameliorate when I was little." Children are not always informed as to what is really happening in their failing families and thus are left to put the pieces together as best they can. Also many children begin to call up of themselves every bit one of the puzzle pieces and assume responsibility for the failure. Many struggle with futile dreams like: "When mom and dad get back together everything will exist wonderful." The second futile dream is that somehow, if they can just figure out how, they can put their parent'due south marriage back together again. It takes wisdom to assistance both dreams dissipate slowly!
6. Work hard at disharmonize resolution (Matthew 5:25-26). All families accept conflicts. My experience is that most blended families aren't skilled in conflict resolution. This is particularly devastating when they are still working through significant trauma and grief
7. Hold on field of study. Discipline is usually a big battleground (Saying 13:14). "You lot're likewise hard on mine and too easy on yours." Careful planning is necessary. Develop the same prepare of rules for all children and enforce them fairly and consistently. The natural parent is in the best position to discipline his or her own children considering he or she knows his or her children best.
8. Build a stiff human relationship with God and other believers (Galatians six:2). Saturate yourself in Bible study and prayer. Jesus lone understands all your feelings, triumphs and defeats. You will need support, someone in whom yous can confide, someone who will listen non-judgmentally, and accept you unconditionally. Footstep-parenting can be a lone job. A support group will help fulfill Paul's admonition in Galatians 6:2 to bear i another's burdens.
9. Do agape love and forgiveness (John 13:34-35). Let love—not simply feelings—direct your behavior. An intense feeling of honey for step-children may never come; but, that'southward okay. Keeping a kid's all-time interests at heart and acting in loving ways is marvelous parenting. Practice forgiveness. There will be occasions when yous will accept to learn to forgive your stepchildren, your spouse, your in-laws, his ex, and others.
10. Don't be in a hurry (Philippians 4:vi). Becoming a family takes time. Our society has raised us to believe that we shouldn't have to look for anything. If you want it, and tin can't beget information technology, charge it. This kind of thinking often gets in the way of blending two families. For case, I counsel couples who say, "Nosotros just don't think it is going to work with Johnny. We got married a year agone, and he's not adjusting. We're thinking nigh sending him to live with his male parent. Most of the time that would be a great mistake. 1 year is hardly even a beginning. Hang in there. Be patient, success takes time.
If you are now in a blending family unit, my heart goes out to you. I know yous have experienced much hurting and loss. Life was never designed to be this style and I am and so sad for what has happened to you. Still, never lose promise. God usually has good days ahead. My prayer is that yous will experience them.
Well, Name Unknown, I wrote your answer generally to the couple trying to blend two families. When they do their job well, your life can once once more fill with joy and delight. I pray for y'all, too.
Dearest, Roger
Source: https://preachitteachit.org/ask-roger/detail/what-about-blended-families/